Have anyone ever had those moments where you kept on thinking and thinking till thinking actually hurts? Almost like an overworked machine and you somehow tried to stop it but you can’t? But at least, it is better now. It used to be vivid voices inside my head. And in those days, there is such a thing as a voice call. So when the voices got louder, I’ll call her till I fell asleep. But things aren’t so simple now. Apparently all of us don’t hear each other’s voices over a phone call. We whatsapp now, most of the times, void of feelings. We hide our true feelings behind emojis. Everything is complicated now. It used to be just school. Now there is work, other relationships and other stuffs. Even people are not okay. Now everyone is tired. Isn’t that what everybody says?
At some point of our lives, I think each and every one of us will come across people that genuinely care for us yet we don’t really like them. And then there are people that we actually love them but they don’t really care about us🤷🏻♀️
And with that, always remember that in whatever situation, you are dealing with Allah. Deal with the person how He wants you to. Life is a test. This is one of the tests.
It is hard? Absolutely 100%.
Do I want to hang out with you? Nope. No. Why do I want to.
Taat. Taat. Taat. Jangan ikut perasaan sangat.
Sometimes it is not necessarily because of one particular incident. It is not necessarily because of U. Most of the time it is because A B C D E F G………..Q R S T that happened before U came. And for whatever reason, U accidentally became the trigger point for the eruption of all those compressed feelings inside.
U are not necessarily the problem, or not.
I am nowhere near the halfway mark of my 7th (out of 9) individual report that I need to submit soon. (Not to mention the other group based reports, so much writing going on yo) But hey, one blog post won’t hurt right…or not.
It is actually amazing that I can actually write that much in less than three months. So much I can achieve when there is a goal in front of me, or a punishment rather. (i.e. still stuck with school if I fail this trimester, it is not that I hate school fyi)
I secretly (not a secret anymore now, lol) craved for someone to push me. Just like how I am pushing my students to practise more. I am not even kidding you when I say I have prepared them a list of almost a month worth of homework for them to do to prepare them for their upcoming exams. (Relax people, it is just 3/4 pages per day)
And there is a strict warning from me of following that list I gave. No, you don’t combine your work or bring it over or do it before I come all at once etc. There is wisdom in doing things regularly. Really. Even if it is easy and you want to do tomorrow’s work today and save time tomorrow etc. No, real work don’t work like that.
So yes, you don’t read tomorrow’s Juz today as to not read any Juz the next day or you don’t pray tomorrow’s Zuhur today as to not do Zuhur tomorrow. (Sepak nak?)
The idea behind it is basically from the saying of Rasulullah sollaahu ‘alaihiwasallam which carries the meaning: the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.
But these students and kids have me to make them do what they won’t do it themselves, to check on them whether they are doing it every single day, to correct them when they are wrong, to motivate them when they are lazy and drill them till they succeed.
And adulthood is as such that people are busy to reach their own goal and you need to become your own motivator, pusher, driller, checker and it is honestly…..draining. Especially when you are nowhere near what people would consider ‘average’ and you simply fail every other day.
And asking for help is especially heart-wrenching when people simply don’t understand you or even put you at a high station that as if you can’t suffer what you are suffering. (Like should I go to the extent of removing my hijab to make you realise how deep of a hole I am in?) And halfway in a conversation you’ll simply just go: Why do I even bother asking them for help?
So in the end, it is still you, yourself and you.
Go pick yourself up.
I was at the second last row for taraawiih prayers and I was thinking to myself :
You know what. It was too hard for you to join the jemaah for the past few years.
You’ll be anywhere at the back for now.
But maybe, just maaybe, one day He’ll make it easy for you to be at the front row. Allahumma aamiin.
I think I fell deeply in love with you
For always putting me aside
Nad, you know what I miss most about her? Although we do a lot of things together, but I actually miss praying behind her.
Praying with the one you love to the one you Love. Can it get any better than that?