You hurt me so much so that I need to put a funny emoticon as well as the heart emoticon beside your name in my phone.
So whenever you decide to call, I’ll remember how much joy and love you have brought in my life.
And that, I hope, will make forgiving to be much easier to do.
I don’t want to lose you again…. but somehow, I did.
I am nowhere near the halfway mark of my 7th (out of 9) individual report that I need to submit soon. (Not to mention the other group based reports, so much writing going on yo) But hey, one blog post won’t hurt right…or not.
It is actually amazing that I can actually write that much in less than three months. So much I can achieve when there is a goal in front of me, or a punishment rather. (i.e. still stuck with school if I fail this trimester, it is not that I hate school fyi)
I secretly (not a secret anymore now, lol) craved for someone to push me. Just like how I am pushing my students to practise more. I am not even kidding you when I say I have prepared them a list of almost a month worth of homework for them to do to prepare them for their upcoming exams. (Relax people, it is just 3/4 pages per day)
And there is a strict warning from me of following that list I gave. No, you don’t combine your work or bring it over or do it before I come all at once etc. There is wisdom in doing things regularly. Really. Even if it is easy and you want to do tomorrow’s work today and save time tomorrow etc. No, real work don’t work like that.
So yes, you don’t read tomorrow’s Juz today as to not read any Juz the next day or you don’t pray tomorrow’s Zuhur today as to not do Zuhur tomorrow. (Sepak nak?)
The idea behind it is basically from the saying of Rasulullah sollaahu ‘alaihiwasallam which carries the meaning: the best deeds are those done regularly even if they are few.
But these students and kids have me to make them do what they won’t do it themselves, to check on them whether they are doing it every single day, to correct them when they are wrong, to motivate them when they are lazy and drill them till they succeed.
And adulthood is as such that people are busy to reach their own goal and you need to become your own motivator, pusher, driller, checker and it is honestly…..draining. Especially when you are nowhere near what people would consider ‘average’ and you simply fail every other day.
And asking for help is especially heart-wrenching when people simply don’t understand you or even put you at a high station that as if you can’t suffer what you are suffering. (Like should I go to the extent of removing my hijab to make you realise how deep of a hole I am in?) And halfway in a conversation you’ll simply just go: Why do I even bother asking them for help?
So in the end, it is still you, yourself and you.
Go pick yourself up.
It was in one of the slides in my strategic planning and budgeting lecture notes:
“What gets measured gets done.”
Which is true. We work harder for a test rather than a mock test right?
And so I questioned my belief in the one that accounts for every single thing that I do.
وَوُضِعَ ٱلْكِتَٰبُ فَتَرَى ٱلْمُجْرِمِينَ مُشْفِقِينَ مِمَّا فِيهِ وَيَقُولُونَ يَٰوَيْلَتَنَا مَالِ هَٰذَا ٱلْكِتَٰبِ لَا يُغَادِرُ صَغِيرَةً وَلَا كَبِيرَةً إِلَّآ أَحْصَىٰهَا وَوَجَدُوا۟ مَا عَمِلُوا۟ حَاضِرًا وَلَا يَظْلِمُ رَبُّكَ أَحَدًا
“And the record [of deeds] will be placed [open], and you will see the criminals fearful of that within it, and they will say, “Oh, woe to us! What is this book that leaves nothing small or great except that it has enumerated it?” And they will find what they did present [before them]. And your Lord does injustice to no one.”
I was at the second last row for taraawiih prayers and I was thinking to myself :
You know what. It was too hard for you to join the jemaah for the past few years.
You’ll be anywhere at the back for now.
But maybe, just maaybe, one day He’ll make it easy for you to be at the front row. Allahumma aamiin.