The Husband

“What do you look for in your future husband?”

After she listed it all down, I asked “Are you listing all the characteristics you are looking for or are you describing someone?”


Beauty Is Only Skin Deep

“Argh. Look at my face. I can’t remember the last time I washed it using a facial cleanser”

“I. See. Nothing. Are you delusional?”


Minutes later, she is looking into the mirror, face covered with white foam. Then slowly using her exfoliating sponge on her face, making sure she scrubs off all her imaginary flaws.

And just as she was about to start scrubbing her nose, she just stood there, staring at herself. Two streams started to appear on both sides of her face. 

“Did the soap get into your eyes or something?! Wash up!”

She just slowly walked away. Quietly.

Then I hear soft sobbings from the washroom…

“So no soap got into your eyes….hey what’s wrong….?”

I see her in the mirror looking down in the sink, eyes reddened.

“I can’t remember the last time I wash my heart”



“So…what type of person are you? Are you tough?”

“Haha. Do I look tough to you?”

“Well sort of. So you are not? So are you like fragile?”

“You can say I’m tough. Tough like small pieces of broken glass. Too broken and shattered that it breaks no more.”

She just walks away leaving him to decide the type of person she is.


Numbers Man by Phil Kaye (Excerpt)

From the perspective of his (Phil Kaye) old laptop:

“JPEG 1063 JPEG 1063 JPEG 1063
It was my masterpiece
It looked so lifelike
I wanted to tell him
That is not her
That is me
That is not her face
Those are my ones and zeros waltzing in place for you
She is nothing more than my shadow puppet
You do not miss her
You miss me”

watch it!

I am reminded of Allah (subhaanahu wata’ala) when I heard this part
“you do not miss her
you miss me”


That Thing on My Head (Q&A)


Q: When did you start wearing the slightly larger version of the hijab/scarf? (Referring to the 60-Inch Square Scarf. Normal is 45-Inch)

A: I do not really remember exactly how it all started. I’m not sure is it because that the 45-Inch was not covering me well or I accidentally tried on my mother’s scarf (which is the 60-Inch) then I love it?

In the end, I realized I did not get stares or some boy said hi or anything along that line and so I was like “I am sooo going to keep wearing this.”

It keeps me safe=) (33:59)

Translation by Dr. Ghali

“O you Prophet, say to your spouses and your daughters and the women of believers, that they draw their outer garments closer to them; that will (make) it likelier that they will be recognized and so will not be hurt. And Allah has been Ever-Forgiving, Ever-Merciful.” (33:59)

Q: What prompt you into wearing it?

A: I just answered that=) Just to add on, there is this sense of responsibility to protect myself from these boys. (I call them boys because mature Muslim guys don’t do stuff like that. Boo!)

Q: What did your family/ close people say about your decision?

A: Nothing. Except that this one relative (not close) was saying something like it (Jilbab-slightly bigger version of a scarf) makes me look old. At first I was a bit self-conscious? Then I was saying to myself oh just ignore her.

Q: Have you ever wished that you could have worn it from young?

A: If you are saying that I ever wished someone of a higher authority (parents, school etc) forced me to have worn it from young then I would say no. I guess if I have worn it from young, I would not have noticed the different reaction from the opposite gender? The learning journey actually makes it more impactful for the change.

Q: What impact has it done to you as compared from your previous lifestyle? (Wearing the normal size)

A: It makes me more mindful of my behavior.

Q: Do you think that people treats you differently now?

A: People thought I’m a religious teacher or religious which obviously I’m not -.-“
But it helps in terms of people not saying a bad word in front of me or at least they are mindful of the topics they brought up in front of me. This is good for my ears, Alhamdulillah.

Q: Share some experience in a form of discrimination about your current appearance?

A: Does the auntie’s comment mentioned above a form of discrimination? No biggie about that. That auntie will still look older than me =P

Q: Hence, do you regret wearing it? Or what gives you the strength to holding tight to it?

A: Absolutely no.

Firstly, I would say my personality helps a lot. I do not like to be known and thus this cloth gave me sort of like a shield.

Secondly, the responsibility to protect myself from adultery. I was thinking about the verse ‘Laa taqrabuzzinaa’ (Don’t go near to fornication/adultery). It will all start with a girl and a boy. Then it will be just talking. Then it will be just meeting. And the rest is history.

People will say to me ‘No…you won’t do that’ etc but I learnt to not ever think that ‘I would not go to that path’. That sounded self-righteous and so I feel the need to protect myself and to not even let the devil gets the boy to get near me. (For unnecessary dealings) Or gets me to be attracted and then reply to the ‘Hi’ and have a conversation and blablabla. On top of that, it is partly because I personally think that that is one of the weak point that the devil will that advantage of- girl/women and boy/guy relationship. So there is a need to have a super duper protection.

Thirdly, I saw too much eyes scanning the opposite gender. Enough said. I guess it’s really up to individuals whether one is comfortable with that. Some do not mind their wife wearing almost nothing for the whole world to see but some do mind. So really, it’s up to individuals.

Answering for a survey. Changed the question a bit. Sorry this came in super late *insert name* ! ❤


We Obey Because We Believe

Bismillahirrahmaanirrahiim. I hope I’m able to get the point across.

If a world renowned doctor advised you to apply the SPF50 sunscreen because it will protect you from the harmful rays and thus will lower the chance of getting skin cancer, you would most likely follow right? No? Ok maybe depending on how much you believe that doctor.

Muslimah (female muslims) wear the head covering because it is a commandment of Allah (subhaanahu wa ta’aalaa). All the rest of the benefits are like secondary. For example to practice modesty and protect ourselves etc.

We believe and we obey. It is because we have come to the conclusion by our intellect that Allah is our God and Muhammad (sollaahhu ‘alaihi wasallam) is His messenger, then everything falls into place.

I shall give you another example to demonstrate what I am trying to say. The companions of Prophet Muhammad (sollaahhu ‘alaihi wasallam) just obeyed when pork is forbidden for consumption. They just obeyed. Poof. Imagine now when muslims are asked why we are not allowed to eat it, we will most likely have answers along the lines of ‘Scientists have proved that it is not healthy’.

The companions just obeyed because they know that everything that come from Allah and His Messenger are good for them. They do not do it because of the ‘healthiness’ (since they don’t have the means to know at that time) but rather because they believe.

We just obey because we believe.