بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
That one time, Bobby (the block cat) kept meow-ing for food outside the door. Oh he knows he is going to get it.
He knows we have the food. And he knows he is going to get it.
And it hit me then and there.
‘Bobby, I am like you, a slave, and you kept asking me for food, confident that through Allah’s mercy that I am going to give you food?’
ولله مثل الأعلى
It all felt so familiar.
Which made me asked myself, if guidance is with the help of Allah, did I ask enough for it?
Did I begged enough for guidance from Him?
Did I try to find ways to help myself in order to get His guidance?
It reminded me of:
مَآ أَصَابَ مِن مُّصِيبَةٍ إِلَّا بِإِذْنِ ٱللَّهِ ۗ وَمَن يُؤْمِنۢ بِٱللَّهِ يَهْدِ قَلْبَهُۥ ۚ وَٱللَّهُ بِكُلِّ شَىْءٍ عَلِيمٌ
No calamity befalls, but with the Leave [i.e. decision and Qadar (Divine Preordainments)] of Allah, and whosoever believes in Allah, He guides his heart [to the true Faith with certainty, i.e. what has befallen him was already written for him by Allah from the Qadar (Divine Preordainments)], and Allah is the All-Knower of everything.
If your child begged for water due to thirst, oh wouldn’t you give?
ولله مثل الأعلى
If you are thirsty for guidance and seeking the truth, oh wouldn’t Allah grant you that?
I would want to think that both of my earpieces has officially died as a sign that I need to get back on track.
To live life purposefully.
To bring myself up to a much higher standard.
As how the young Imam Nawawi puts it when asked about why he didn’t want to play with the other children:
But it wasn’t for this that we were created ما لهذا خلقنا
Me: What was the thing that helped you change last time?
Me again: You were sick.
So being sick was actually a blessing! Allah sent that in my favour!
Me again again: You want to be sick again?
Me: No. But it would be good for you? Nooooooooooooooo. Please nooooo.
Me again again again again: So can you be good or not?
<I just feel like talking/babbling>
I can’t say for sure that his last words were the syahadah, although my brother said so. I remembered him saying it slowly, in between deep and painful breathing, yet I don’t know whether it was his last words or did he say anything else after that.
But that was pretty much the reason why I didn’t cry much that day.
But rather, I cried because I was thinking about how I was going to die.
Some people pointed it out, how come you are okay? You are supposed to cry.
Dude, he has been sick for a very long time and he passed away with his family around him and after he actually asked forgiveness from those around him. And I actually heard him said the syahadah (although I didn’t know whether he said something else after that).
What was I crying about really?
It has been almost 9 years and I am straight up jealous that he has friends that made umrah on his behalf, visit and clean up his grave, still visit us and keep spending on us just because we are his family.
What is it that you do, ayah?
Aha! Which also brings me to the next point> Friends!
What kind of friends do you have?
Yang tidak diundang datang.
Yang disayangi pergi.
Setiap detik diuji, adakah engkau masih mahu mempertuhankan perasaan,
Ataupun hancurkan ego dan tundukkan perasaan.
Setiap seseorang yang kau sedang bermu’amalah dengan, hakikatnya kau sedang bermu’amalah dengan tuhan.
Bermu’amalah lah, sehingga tidak ada yang tahu diantara mereka yang lebih kau sayang.
And the point of it all being public is to not rant or write something that I would regret, regardless here or in the hereafter.
To take this as a means to express within the limits of expressing oneself without putting out what I considered as not appropriate.
To put in mind that hey, maybe some asatizah could somehow come here and read all this.
To have a consciousness of the fact that God is looking.
To force myself to think, will I write this if Rasulullah صلى الله عليه وسلم happens to read this?
But on some days…..